The time there was tragedy at the office – the day a co-worker died

The office has a fish tank. There are 4 fishes – blue fish, yellow fish, orange fish who we call Aaron Neville and bottom feeder fish. This morning blue fish had got himself wedged in the rock in the tank and died. It was hard to say if it was suicide or if he was chased by yellow or Aaron and got stuck trying to escape. When it happened, B1 went onto the office PA to announce the tragedy “Blue fish has died” After prying him out of the rock, B1 put him in a baggy and placed him in the freezer. A few days later the cleaner came to take the garbage downstairs so I threw blue fish into the garbage. A few days later, B1 asked me where the fish was...I said in the garbage. Boy was I in trouble. B1 pointed out although the garbage was taken from the office area, it was left in the back until garbage day. He was upset as he insisted that blue fish should have been recycled. B2 got upset as she thought blue fish should have been flushed down the toilet…sad news B1 and B2 – fish cannot be recycled…the rules on that have not been changed even though you insist they have. Also the fish should not be flushed! The water system is not the place to dispose of an exotic fish species. B1 did not talk to me for the rest of the day as he was upset about not recycling the fish and about him being thrown out too early.

The time I went to the other building

So B1 owns our office building as well as another building down the street. When I was hired, it was mentioned that part of my job would be to help organize the other building and perhaps convert it to more office space. I was taken over in my second week.

When I got in, I was not prepared for what I saw!...I do not think anything could have prepared me. The heating was not on to save money as the building is on this side of abandoned. The one room had industrial shelving with broken and out dated equipment…shelves and shelves. Some of their friends had put some other things in there – motorcycle, couches. B1 had started to renovate to create a second floor but basically just had a stairway with a doorway to nothing…like the escalator to heaven where people fall off at the end…only this was stairs so you have to work at falling to your death.

I believe that words and words expressed in text form will constantly fail me with this blog which could be it’s undoing but here it goes.

The sight I saw in last room was amazing – not in the WOW way but in the you are stunned way. The room has a 20 ft ceiling. This room was filled to the ceiling with cardboard boxes…EMPTY cardboard boxes; not flattened, full size cardboard boxes.

It seems B1 does not like to get rid of boxes, just in case anything has to be returned one day…some of the boxes were 10 years old…none of those warranties are good anymore but we still have the never broken down box….just in case.

Sadly, none of the treasures in this second building can be thrown out, including those boxes so the part of my job that was to help move some of the business over there has been put on hiatus.

Some advice on dating

So I think sometimes I'll post stuff unrelated to the hilarity of my work place environment.

Here is a bit of dating advice, just in case, you need some:

1. Find the object of your affection

2. Give the object of your affection a hug

3. Bite his/her neck

4. State that vampires are hot right now.

I believe this could lead to making out or perhaps marriage.

It is also rooted in truth and that is where all relationships should begin.

ps if the object of your affection recoils in fear or does not believe that vampires are hot right now, they are not for you...run!

The time we celebrated an office birthday

So I found out after this incident that office birthday celebrations had been canceled the year or so prior so this celebration was an anomaly. After canceling birthdays B2 decided that she could pick and choose whose birthdays would be celebrated by the office.

E’s birthday was right before Christmas and we were getting read to send out gifts and cards to some clients. That day B2 was meant to hand deliver presents and had called in help. D arrived at 10 am to help. B2 wasn’t ‘in’ the office until 11 and then had lots to do before being able to leave. E and I were working on a project that we got a ‘surprise’ last minute deadline on. We didn’t leave for lunch until 2 pm. I told B2 we were off to lunch and she said it was time for cake. I said maybe at 3 pm as E had already left for his lunch. B2 was not impressed but agreed. Just before 3 pm, D who had been waiting since 10 am, went to go and get food as he was starving. E and I returned but it turns out that we were not allowed to do cake without D.

I do not know if I can adequately relay the firestorm of anger that followed in text. B2 then got angry, irrationally angry and told me that if her staff couldn’t take lunch at a reasonable time they shouldn’t even get a lunch, announced that B1 would drive her around, and to do cake without her as she couldn’t plan her whole day around cake. When she returned, she was not speaking to E as he ruined his birthday celebrations by taking his lunch too late, returning when D was gone for lunch, and forced B2 to structure her whole day around his cake. She did not speak to E for the next 2 days! She was also not speaking to D as after waiting 5 hours without a break and without her being able to give a time as to when they would leave, he went to get food.

Best part: E never wanted to celebrate his birthday!

**UPDATE! I just found out that there will be another cake day this week!

The Time when I started combined with the time when I got my contract

I’ve been here for awhile and I feel like I need to start at the beginning. For simplicity stake, I will be referring to my boss and her brother as B1 and B2 – just like the Banana in Pajamas. I can also tell you that this will result in lessons in how to not to do business.

I think we should start with my first day.

I arrive at 10am which I’m pump about as it means I got to sleep in a bit. When I arrive, no one knows that I am starting or what I’ll be doing. My bosses B1 and B2 are not ‘at the office’ yet so no one can help. I start to wish that I brought some reading material as I sit and wait when no one even knows you’re suppose to be working there, they don’t just offer to show you around, afterall you could be a liar. When they finally show up, they don’t have anything for me to do and I can’t log onto a computer. Easiest first day ever! If not the most boring first day ever!

I had yet to sign a contract, although I repeatedly asked for it before I started. We had not officially worked out title or salary so I really wanted to know those things. I brought it up again and was told I’d get one soon. A few days later, B2 presents me with my contract. There were blanks! She gave me a contract full of blanks – salary = blank; title = blank; everywhere that there should be pertinent information = BLANK! It took her days to hand me a contract that didn’t answer any of the questions I had! The next day, I bring in the contract with those blanks highlighted and there was a clause that said I could never work for any business that was in the same industry and I said I wouldn’t sign that part. B2 said that contract would be revised and the blanks filled in by the lawyer…it’s been months now and I still have yet to sign a contract.

I did get to pick my title - ‘assistant general manager’. My new co-workers start to hate me just a little as none of them believe they need to be managed.

All in all, a *wonderful* start.

Ps * denotes sarcasm

The time I started the Secret Project

So this will be my 3rd blog.

All my blogs have centered around an idea or theme. The first one was about wearing temporary tattoos and how wearing temporary tattoos might effect or even affect my life. I had lots of temporary tattoos but no reason to ever wear them. So this blog created a reason. It turns out that they did not really create any changes to my life except for the occasional ‘what’s that on your face, hand, neck…’ Most people assumed it was some sort of dirt or skin condition and upon answering with temporary tattoo the common response was ‘why’. People think you’re crazy when you start wearing temporary tattoos in order to have something to blog about.

The second blog was about Haikus. I’d write about how boring or crappy or combination boring/crappy my day at work was and then write some Haikus about it. Believe it or not, the temporary tattoo blog was more popular than the Haiku blog. I still believe in my poetic abilities as I assume most people didn’t ‘get’ the humor in the Haikus. I have some fragile self-esteem that leads me to believe other just don’t ‘get’ my obviously intelligent and witty humor.

In this blog the theme is that it’s a secret project. I recently started a new job where the stories I have started to tell others actually lead to the following reactions:

‘That’s crazier than ‘the Office’’

‘You can’t make this stuff up’

‘You should write a blog but be careful not to get fired’

‘You should write a 1 woman show about your adventures there’

I have decided to combine these comments into one massive secret project. I’ve started a blog in which I will write about the shenanigans of my office (these will all be unbelievably true) but keep the names and places confidential as to not get fired and then use the writings in my blog to create a 1 woman show….ps I tend to dream big…

So welcome to my latest blog!