1. Use your bare hands to push down garbage in a bin cause the bin is almost overflowing – there is food waste, napkins and other general waste in the bin.
2. Do NOT wash your hands, instead go over to a food table that has been set up for your staff.
3. Begin to touch every piece of food on the table. Take croissants out of the box and rearrange them on a plate.
4. Throw the box out so you have to put your hands in the garbage again.
5. Go back to the food table, move around the fruit on the table, take granola bars out of the box, gab a hand full of chips so you touch lots of the other chips cause all of this work is tiring.
6. Be completely obviously that you have touched almost every piece of food on the table without washing your hands…still do not wash your hands.
FYI – this was something that B2 managed to accomplish one day. After she touched everything, E went in for a croissant. I tried to give him a bug eyed warning as B2 was standing right there but he saw my eyes as a challenge and stuff the whole thing in his mouth in one bite. I later explained that my bug eyes were not a challenge but a warning and that he had eaten garbage hands croissant.
Garbage hands are not a joke and not a nickname I would recommend attempting to obtain…if you’re into friends or hygiene.
Friday, May 28, 2010
The time we evicted a homeless person
So B2 came up to E and I to tell us about how someone left shopping carts behind our other building. She suggested we push them onto the street and then call up the city to tell them they were their problem now. Little did we know that we were being set up to evict a homeless man!
E and I went over to the other building to check out the shopping cart situation. There were 3 carts and it was obvious that someone was living out of them. There was a backpack, blankets and other bits of personal treasure…the kind you’d collect to save in a shopping cart if you were homeless like a bit of a raincoat (not a whole raincoat just a square patch from one) or a yogurt containers or parts of cardboard boxes. As the fear of scabbies entered into us, we began to push the shopping carts over to the nearby supermarket, thinking that would be a better plan than leaving them on the street and then call the city. As we were going there, we past a scrap metal junk yard. E decided that we should stop to try to make some extra cash but it turns out they are not allowed to accept shopping carts.
We moved like super secret spies who get stuck trying to push their cart up the curb and into the parking lot. We super spied around and when no visible customers could see us, we left them in the cart corral. We had to go back to get the third cart to repeat our crime.
When we returned B2 claimed she had no knowledge of someone’s things being the carts – which would be hard to do because if you saw the carts you would notice them full of things like personal possessions!
I could help but feel bad for the homeless guy…imagine you leave your house at 5:30 am and then come home at 11 pm cause that’s when you get home when you are homeless afterall you’ve been out since 5:30 am and then you discover that all of your possession are gone! There were thieves that came into your home by day and took away the Zellers, Walmart and Valumart carts you had carefully collected and filled with the treasures of your life. I can imagine anger! And possibly tears! Homeless guys cry sometimes in the night…
I did warn B1 and B2 that if the windows got smashed, it was probably the homeless guy cause when you got nothing, you have nothing to lose and you’d smash the windows of the people who evicted you and removed all of your world possessions.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
**Updates**
**The time I got the creepy guy at work to stop talking to me**
It turns out he is still insisting that grabs and pinches are completely different things which still eludes me since they both involve fingers and my ass…although if you think about it a pinch is a bit worse since pinches generally lead to more pain than a grab.
He also has been saying that I had been going up and giving him hugs, which would totally contradict me telling everyone I thought he was creepy. I suppose part of what he said was true if you count coming up behind me when I’m in my chair and then trying to lean over and give me a hug without me getting up from my chair and leaning over the heater on the floor and then me patting your back as me going over to give hugs – this behaviour is obviously a precursor to love that has its obvious next step in sexual harassment
**Some advice on being sick”
Continue to go around coughing on everything.
Once feeling better and the rest of the office is starting to have sore throats and coughs casually state “it sounds like everyone is going to have a great weekend” This will seem even more passive aggressive and unsorry if the weekend is a long holiday weekend.
It turns out he is still insisting that grabs and pinches are completely different things which still eludes me since they both involve fingers and my ass…although if you think about it a pinch is a bit worse since pinches generally lead to more pain than a grab.
He also has been saying that I had been going up and giving him hugs, which would totally contradict me telling everyone I thought he was creepy. I suppose part of what he said was true if you count coming up behind me when I’m in my chair and then trying to lean over and give me a hug without me getting up from my chair and leaning over the heater on the floor and then me patting your back as me going over to give hugs – this behaviour is obviously a precursor to love that has its obvious next step in sexual harassment
**Some advice on being sick”
Continue to go around coughing on everything.
Once feeling better and the rest of the office is starting to have sore throats and coughs casually state “it sounds like everyone is going to have a great weekend” This will seem even more passive aggressive and unsorry if the weekend is a long holiday weekend.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Some advice on being sick
So most people stay home when they get sick. If you live at the office; however, then staying home means being at work.
Obviously, when you are sick, you are miserable and everyone knows that misery loves company.
Here is some advice on how to get that company and to make your employees notice your generosity as well as your respect for their health since you're sick at work.
1. Go over to the employees desk.
2. Stand as close as possible
3. Cough - sound like you might 'cough up a lung', maybe gurgle some phlegm in your throat, do NOT cover your mouth during any of this. Aim for the top of their head since you are standing almost directly over them.
4. Apologize for being sick - afterall, it isn't your fault you live at the office and your illness makes you cough so violently that a mere hand could contain the germs so you don't even bother pretending that your hand could contain such powerful germs - and the sleeve sneeze is just another ploy that could not contain your super germs.
4. Repeat a few hours later.
Your employees will thank you, especially if this coincidences with a long weekend so that they can have plenty of time to stay home and rest up when their throats start to get sore and they catch your illness. In someways it is better than an annual bonus.
Obviously, when you are sick, you are miserable and everyone knows that misery loves company.
Here is some advice on how to get that company and to make your employees notice your generosity as well as your respect for their health since you're sick at work.
1. Go over to the employees desk.
2. Stand as close as possible
3. Cough - sound like you might 'cough up a lung', maybe gurgle some phlegm in your throat, do NOT cover your mouth during any of this. Aim for the top of their head since you are standing almost directly over them.
4. Apologize for being sick - afterall, it isn't your fault you live at the office and your illness makes you cough so violently that a mere hand could contain the germs so you don't even bother pretending that your hand could contain such powerful germs - and the sleeve sneeze is just another ploy that could not contain your super germs.
4. Repeat a few hours later.
Your employees will thank you, especially if this coincidences with a long weekend so that they can have plenty of time to stay home and rest up when their throats start to get sore and they catch your illness. In someways it is better than an annual bonus.
Monday, May 17, 2010
The time I discovered treasure
So B1 loves looney tunes and every wall has at least one looney tune lithograph on it - because why not - it has nothing to do with our business or anything we have done but when I'm spending my day staring at coyote and the roadrunner, I know that everything is right in the world. PS do NOT suggest that these art treasures be removed or that more business or even age appropriate art be hung up in its place.
But this post is not about a love of looney tune and their adventures.
As I have mentioned, every space that is not a walkway is filled with boxes or shelves or something as empty space is wasted space. The area I work in has multiple cupboards - or IKEA PAX systems aka shelving with doors. So all of these cupboards are full - hence having to keep 'important' documents in boxes under the pool table.
One day I decided to check out what was inside these cupboards, mainly to see if some of the things that were on the floor could make it into a cupboard as I hate clutter in an office space. One of the cupboards is full...like every shelf top to bottom with Disney figurines. These figurines are all still in their original boxes, just to be sure to retain and maximize value.
Upon making this discovery, I wondering what kind of gold mine we were sitting on here so I checked out the ebay to see how much other people were selling these priceless artifacts at. Well, it's a pretty lucrative market those mass produced Disney figurines - some of the small ones are fetching $5 while the larger ones are going for $20 - that is probably at least 25-50% of their original sticker price. I know you're probably wondering why I didn't just load up my car and run away with them...I guess life is just full of mysteries and what ifs.
FYI I have no brought up that perhaps the office is not the most appropriate place to store these treasures, I feel like that's a conversation that could end with people not talking to me cause obviously when you live here, there is no distinguishing between private and public space.
But this post is not about a love of looney tune and their adventures.
As I have mentioned, every space that is not a walkway is filled with boxes or shelves or something as empty space is wasted space. The area I work in has multiple cupboards - or IKEA PAX systems aka shelving with doors. So all of these cupboards are full - hence having to keep 'important' documents in boxes under the pool table.
One day I decided to check out what was inside these cupboards, mainly to see if some of the things that were on the floor could make it into a cupboard as I hate clutter in an office space. One of the cupboards is full...like every shelf top to bottom with Disney figurines. These figurines are all still in their original boxes, just to be sure to retain and maximize value.
Upon making this discovery, I wondering what kind of gold mine we were sitting on here so I checked out the ebay to see how much other people were selling these priceless artifacts at. Well, it's a pretty lucrative market those mass produced Disney figurines - some of the small ones are fetching $5 while the larger ones are going for $20 - that is probably at least 25-50% of their original sticker price. I know you're probably wondering why I didn't just load up my car and run away with them...I guess life is just full of mysteries and what ifs.
FYI I have no brought up that perhaps the office is not the most appropriate place to store these treasures, I feel like that's a conversation that could end with people not talking to me cause obviously when you live here, there is no distinguishing between private and public space.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The time the creepy guy at work stopped talking to me
comes by our office often was in. D2 comes by to help us by lending us things to send out to clients. He is generally socially awkward and would sometimes give me these awkward hugs where he would try to hug me while I was still in my chair. I got the sense he had a crush on me and let the awkward hugs slide.
Anyway, enough back story, back to yesterday – I was leaning over talking to D1 and D2 walked past me and grabbed my ass. I was taken aback as one is when someone randomly grabs their ass while they’re at work. I tried to find him to talk to him “Do it again & I’ll punch you in the face” He had left so I had to send an email…probably best to have got it in writing so I made sure I left out the part of threatening him with physical violence (some things are better left in your head)
I sent this email :
D2,
Your behaviour today was completely unacceptable.
I do not know why you thought it was appropriate to grab my ass when I was leaning over talking to Debbie but I can assure you that it was inappropriate.
I am going to make this clear: I do not want any physical contact with you whatsoever at work.
Please do not touch me again.
I believe you owe me an apology.
Me
He responded:
Hi Me,
I didn’t grab your ass. I gave it a tiny pinch since you
were blocking my way. Guys do that shit all the time.
I apologize for offending you.
Please rest assured it will never happen again and I will
never so much as shake your hand or speak to you again in your workplace.
Best wishes,
D2
Let’s break down this response…
I didn’t grab your ass. I gave it a tiny pinch since you were blocking my way. – Obviously it is important to distinguish between a grab and a pinch – they are totally different, both of course being unacceptable to normal people, but it appears in creeper universe the pinch is legit and grabs are wrong! It also appears that he might have gone temporarily mute as most people when someone is in their way say ‘excuse me’. Just imagine you could no longer use words and had to pinch the asses of anyone who was in your way…what a world that would be.
Guys do that shit all the time. – He appears to be a time traveler from 1958 – or has been watching too much Mad Men. This is not something guys who aren’t creepy and don’t want charges pressed against them do all of the time. That was his reason so I guess my temporarily mute theory is out the window.
I apologize for offending you. – Notice how it is not an apology for pinching my asses. This is the type of apology that leaves the blame on me for getting upset at his legit method of making me move as opposed to an actual apology that addresses the fact that ass pinching is wrong.
Please rest assured it will never happen again – Gosh I hope not, creepy!
and I will never so much as shake your hand or speak to you again in your workplace. – So in the end I win. Perhaps it is meant of a type of ‘punishment’ for me – no more handshakes…ahh! How will I sleep at night….no more awkward conversations! My day will be filled with clouds…or sunshine, probably sunshine, yes definitely sunshine – the end of awkward conversations sounds like a prize! I hope he keeps this promise…
Best wishes - cause that's an appropriate way to end, wishing me the best in my life where guys don't pinch asses or where they stop talking to girls when they are told they're behaviour is inappropriate. Those wishes mean the most to me and I will try to soldier on knowing that his best of the best wishes are behind me...probably trying to grab my ass!
So that is how the creepy guy at work stopped talking to me…or at least I hope he has
Anyway, enough back story, back to yesterday – I was leaning over talking to D1 and D2 walked past me and grabbed my ass. I was taken aback as one is when someone randomly grabs their ass while they’re at work. I tried to find him to talk to him “Do it again & I’ll punch you in the face” He had left so I had to send an email…probably best to have got it in writing so I made sure I left out the part of threatening him with physical violence (some things are better left in your head)
I sent this email :
D2,
Your behaviour today was completely unacceptable.
I do not know why you thought it was appropriate to grab my ass when I was leaning over talking to Debbie but I can assure you that it was inappropriate.
I am going to make this clear: I do not want any physical contact with you whatsoever at work.
Please do not touch me again.
I believe you owe me an apology.
Me
He responded:
Hi Me,
I didn’t grab your ass. I gave it a tiny pinch since you
were blocking my way. Guys do that shit all the time.
I apologize for offending you.
Please rest assured it will never happen again and I will
never so much as shake your hand or speak to you again in your workplace.
Best wishes,
D2
Let’s break down this response…
I didn’t grab your ass. I gave it a tiny pinch since you were blocking my way. – Obviously it is important to distinguish between a grab and a pinch – they are totally different, both of course being unacceptable to normal people, but it appears in creeper universe the pinch is legit and grabs are wrong! It also appears that he might have gone temporarily mute as most people when someone is in their way say ‘excuse me’. Just imagine you could no longer use words and had to pinch the asses of anyone who was in your way…what a world that would be.
Guys do that shit all the time. – He appears to be a time traveler from 1958 – or has been watching too much Mad Men. This is not something guys who aren’t creepy and don’t want charges pressed against them do all of the time. That was his reason so I guess my temporarily mute theory is out the window.
I apologize for offending you. – Notice how it is not an apology for pinching my asses. This is the type of apology that leaves the blame on me for getting upset at his legit method of making me move as opposed to an actual apology that addresses the fact that ass pinching is wrong.
Please rest assured it will never happen again – Gosh I hope not, creepy!
and I will never so much as shake your hand or speak to you again in your workplace. – So in the end I win. Perhaps it is meant of a type of ‘punishment’ for me – no more handshakes…ahh! How will I sleep at night….no more awkward conversations! My day will be filled with clouds…or sunshine, probably sunshine, yes definitely sunshine – the end of awkward conversations sounds like a prize! I hope he keeps this promise…
Best wishes - cause that's an appropriate way to end, wishing me the best in my life where guys don't pinch asses or where they stop talking to girls when they are told they're behaviour is inappropriate. Those wishes mean the most to me and I will try to soldier on knowing that his best of the best wishes are behind me...probably trying to grab my ass!
So that is how the creepy guy at work stopped talking to me…or at least I hope he has
Monday, May 10, 2010
The time I suggested we need a meeting space
So as part of my job, I am suppose to help organize the office space. In the area that my desk is in, there are 3 other desks along with a large snooker table. It takes up the majority of the room so much so that it cannot be used for play as there is not enough room to use a regular sized cue. Also, under the table is full of boxes and random junk so it's used as a bit of a storage area...afterall, empty space is useless space so fill it up!
I sent an email to B1 and B2 recommending that the table be moved to their warehouse building since it is never used and to buy a meeting table as we don't have any meeting space to have staff or client meetings. Currently, when we have a big meeting we get out the folding plastic 6' table and the folding metal chairs and set them up in a work area.
B1 read the email and came storming over to my desk. How dare I suggest that the pool table needs to be moved! We already have a board room and don't need to create another meeting space!
I asked where this board room was. B1 said it was on the way to his back apartment and that it is where B2 sleeps/lives. YES you have read correctly B1 and B2 both live physically at the office!!! I pointed out that if B2 was living there than it was not available for meetings and it was like he didn't have a boardroom. He argued again - yes he has a boardroom and he does not need to get rid of the pool table! B1 also said that nothing in this office would ever happen without his permission so I should stop my plans of trying to organize things.
ps the pool table and i had a bit of a run in since the path to my desk was very narrow in which the table hip checked me leaving a substantial bruise. B1 and I got into a bit of war pushing the pool table to allow for a reasonably wide path to get to the desk area which I eventually won...ever so often the pool table hip checks me to remind me that it won the war of meeting area vs. too small to play pool but big enough to keep the table area.
I sent an email to B1 and B2 recommending that the table be moved to their warehouse building since it is never used and to buy a meeting table as we don't have any meeting space to have staff or client meetings. Currently, when we have a big meeting we get out the folding plastic 6' table and the folding metal chairs and set them up in a work area.
B1 read the email and came storming over to my desk. How dare I suggest that the pool table needs to be moved! We already have a board room and don't need to create another meeting space!
I asked where this board room was. B1 said it was on the way to his back apartment and that it is where B2 sleeps/lives. YES you have read correctly B1 and B2 both live physically at the office!!! I pointed out that if B2 was living there than it was not available for meetings and it was like he didn't have a boardroom. He argued again - yes he has a boardroom and he does not need to get rid of the pool table! B1 also said that nothing in this office would ever happen without his permission so I should stop my plans of trying to organize things.
ps the pool table and i had a bit of a run in since the path to my desk was very narrow in which the table hip checked me leaving a substantial bruise. B1 and I got into a bit of war pushing the pool table to allow for a reasonably wide path to get to the desk area which I eventually won...ever so often the pool table hip checks me to remind me that it won the war of meeting area vs. too small to play pool but big enough to keep the table area.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Some advice on napping
Next time that you are seen napping or 'resting your eyes' as I like to call it while at work, here are some suggestions to get you out of it:
1. Mention that when people have their eyes closed it is best to not disturb them as they are probably deep in thought...shame works in so many ways!
2. Tell them that you are full of wishes and everyone knows that a wish isn't really a wish if you wish with your eyes open...ahhh wishes!
3. Say you were actually commenting on the boredom associated with work in society in an ironic way...everyone is into irony these days.
1. Mention that when people have their eyes closed it is best to not disturb them as they are probably deep in thought...shame works in so many ways!
2. Tell them that you are full of wishes and everyone knows that a wish isn't really a wish if you wish with your eyes open...ahhh wishes!
3. Say you were actually commenting on the boredom associated with work in society in an ironic way...everyone is into irony these days.
Monday, May 3, 2010
The time I did work
So I was given an assignment by B2 which was odd as she doesn't like to delegate or include me in meetings but gets upset when I can't just figure out what needs to be done next. I emailed her a word document at the end of the day with all of my research - this was a Monday.
The next morning she called me into her office. The first problem was that I didn’t hand my timesheet in on Friday, even though she had told me it is due on Mondays. I told her that despite her telling me to do it Mondays, I could easily hand it in on Fridays. She was upset as she didn’t have mine and wanted to start payroll on the weekend and without my sheet she couldn’t do it.
The second problem was that when she gives me work, she expects something from me by the end of the day. Something that shows the work I’ve done and she thinks she budgets my time well and if I don’t send her anything then how is she suppose to know I’ve done anything. After 20 minutes of lecture, I asked if the email attachment I sent before I went home was not what she was looking for. Her response was “what email, I haven’t check since yesterday” B2 then logged into her email to discover my email sent before I left the day before. I then offered to condense the file into point forms as it was a long document and she said okay. She proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the day...obviously.
The next morning she called me into her office. The first problem was that I didn’t hand my timesheet in on Friday, even though she had told me it is due on Mondays. I told her that despite her telling me to do it Mondays, I could easily hand it in on Fridays. She was upset as she didn’t have mine and wanted to start payroll on the weekend and without my sheet she couldn’t do it.
The second problem was that when she gives me work, she expects something from me by the end of the day. Something that shows the work I’ve done and she thinks she budgets my time well and if I don’t send her anything then how is she suppose to know I’ve done anything. After 20 minutes of lecture, I asked if the email attachment I sent before I went home was not what she was looking for. Her response was “what email, I haven’t check since yesterday” B2 then logged into her email to discover my email sent before I left the day before. I then offered to condense the file into point forms as it was a long document and she said okay. She proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the day...obviously.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)