The time I learned about mental illness

So I have had some lessons on mental illness lately.

First came at a bar where a guy explained to me that he was able to cure his bipolar by taking vitamins and amino acids at specific times in specific doses. He also explained that Autism is also completely curable. I refrained from asking too many questions regarding his cure of chemical imbalance of the brain as I would have hated to get him upset into a manic episode if he had skipped his vitamins that day...

The second was at the job I temporarily worked at the other week. The boss, big D, came in and explained to me and his assistant how 20% of the population is certifiably insane, 60% of the population had some sort of mental illness of varying degrees leaving only 20% of the population sane. He went on to explain how people usually associate with people of the save level of crazy as themselves. The best part of the conservation was when he explained to us that biologists can prove that most mental illness is caused by viruses but they can't get the research money to study it. Being as I was a new employee, I did not question how they could prove something that they did not have the money to have studied yet. A lot of time and money in science is researching and finding out how what you thought you could prove is wrong but I digress. He then said that because they did not have to money to research they did not know how the virus was transmitted. He pointed out that it is stupid to think that there were virus and diseases that could effect other organs and that the brain was immune to such things. This is just not true - most people know that diseases such as syphilis or brain cancer can cause mental disorders as opposed to a mysterious virus that is transmitted mysteriously.

Then, I got the warning to avoid hanging out with crazy people or people with mental disorders since they don't know how the virus is transmitted, you could end up crazy.

I think this is a lesson for everyone that 1. if you have friends with mental illness avoid them as you might catch the virus and end up crazy 2. if you do end up crazy take a few vitamins - that should cure it...the brain virus is one of the few viruses that can be cured with vitamins...or that 3. you're probably already crazy like 80% of the population and maybe it's time you start working from home to avoid spreading it to the rest of the population (that won't make you seem crazy at all when you call work to explain why you now have to work from home)

Perhaps I should introduce big D to bar guy...I think they could learn a lot from each other!

The time I saw the letter from the toll road.

So it appears that at some point someone from the company drove on the toll road. Now this road works by photographing your license plate and then sending the bill to the house where the vehicle is registered.

I had gone into the office to try to find a file I was looking for and saw this letter sitting on top of the desk.

A brief excerpt that I can remember states:

"We have contact the police and there is no record of your vehicle having ever been stolen. If you could either provide us with a copy of the police report or pay us, that would be great"*

Who, upon receiving a bill they don't want to pay, thinks the best advice is to lie to say that their vehicle had been stolen? In the good idea, bad idea world I live in, this would fall under the bad idea. Not only did they get caught in the lie, they now owed more money.

Here is some advice - if you are going to lie to get out of paying something, make sure it is not a lie that can be easily followed up on by a simple phone call.

*I might have ad lib'ed that last part.

The time I was escorted out of the office

So after I said "Ok" to being fired, we decided I would be paid for my 2 days back and for 1 week in lieu of notice. B2 asked if I had anything from the office at home, I didn't and then she escorted to me to my desk as I went to get my bag and to shut down my computer.

While I walking, B2 kept saying "I need your passwords, I need your password to your computer and to your gmail. I need your passwords"

As I shut down my computer without logging back in, I told her she would get the passwords, when I got the cheque for the pay we'd just discussed.

She continued to chase/follow me as I walked out saying "but but but I need your passwords. I need your passwords."

D calls me to tell me the cheque is ready. I woke up super early the next day and go in before B1 and B2 are awake...which really probably could have been anytime before 11. I give her the password to my computer. I email B2 to tell her that I will give her the gmail password when my cheque clears.

When the cheque clears, I delete my gmail account...B2 really wanted to read through all of my emails, and probably send emails from me...but I deleted it instead.

I think I won that round.

Some advice on sharing dreams

Let's say you're a male. Let's say you're talking to a group of female friends. Let's say the night before you had a dream about raping a girl. Do not say to the group of girls "Last night I had a dream I raped a girl, is that weird?"

People have f*cked up dreams. Think to yourself, if I think this dream is weird, other people will probably think so too...or maybe think, if I'm having a dream about sexual violence towards women, maybe I shouldn't tell a group of women...maybe that's a thing to keep to myself and if I really want to know if it's weird, maybe a I should ask a male friend to see if they've ever had a similar dream.

Cause if you share it, the weirder part might be that you decided that that was a dream you needed to share and required advice on and and not the one about you flying over a mountain while a bird was catching the teeth as they were falling out of your mouth - you know a dream that might be a bit more cryptic than say .. rape.

Just some advice some sharing dreams.

The time the pool table was moved

While I was on my hiatus, B2 hired her golf friend's nephew J to help put things onto shelves.

On my second day back, J came upstairs to the area I work in and was mystified as to why the pool table was on an angle - it didn't fit into the room properly, it didn't make sense - he pushed it so that it was straight in the room. I said "They are going to notice that"

When B2 woke up, she called me into her office, the conversation went something like this:

B2: Did you move the pool table?

Me: No

B2: Well it's been moved.

Me: J moved it.

B2: Why would J move the pool table?

Me: I don't know, you'll have to ask him.

B2: (over the office intercom) Would B1 and J please come to my office?

Me: B1 went out.

B2: Where, he didn't tell me he was going out?

Me: I don't know, you'll have to ask him.

J enters the office

B2: Did you move the pool table?

J: Yea.

B2: Why did you move the pool table?

J: It fits better in the room if it's straight.

B2: But why did you move the pool table?

J: Cause it didn't make sense before, there's more room to get to the desks now.

B2: But why did you move the pool table?

J: I don't know

B2: Did Lindsay ask you move to the pool table?

J: No.

B2: Then I just don't understand why someone would come into an area of the office that they don't even work in and move the pool table.

J: You hired me to help clean up the office so I was cleaning up.

B2: That was for downstairs, there is still lots to do there. Why would you come upstairs and move the pool table?

J: Well there's no room on the shelves downstairs to clean up. We have to move some things to the other building.

Me: It's true. I was talking to him and K yesterday and K said B1 won't let them move anything there.

B2: Have you been over there lately? That has been everyone's solutions for years.

J: Have YOU been over there lately - I spent the last few weeks cleaning it up and there's room now.

B2: But this still doesn't explain, why you would move the pool table.

Me: (laughs) Sorry this conversation is ridiculous

B2: You're Assistant General Manager, act like it. You know that pool table is very expensive and every time it moves we have to have someone come in for $1500 to rebalance it. I know that it get moves a lot but you just can't go around moving it.

J: If it's so expensive, why do you keep so much crap all over it?

B2: Excuse me, is that the way you talk to people?

J: Excuse me, that the way you talk to people - why'd you move the pool table, why'd you move the pool table? You talk about keeping this place pristine clean.

B2: I have never said pristine clean.

J: What are you talking about - you came downstairs last week, picked up a file, wiped your finger on the shelf and said 'we need to make this place pristine clean'. Your office is disgusting, you can barely get to your desk cause of all the shit all over the floors, it's disgusting, you're disgusting - whatever, I'm over this, I'm gone

J leaves

Me: Well, I guess I'll call those manufacturers you wanted me to call.

B2: I don't think this is the time for that - I think J just quit and I don't think we need you anymore.

Me: Ok


...this stuff writes itself people! I could not add any more comedy to it if I tried!

Some advice on becoming a 'working actor'

1. Buy a label maker

2. Make labels that say "Working Actor - Your Full Name"

3. Put these labels on notebooks, workbooks, just any book you own really - preferably on the front cover.

4. Carry these books around with you - make sure that the label is facing out.

5. Success! You are now a "Working Actor - Full Name"

The time I tried to go to work after a 6-week hiatus

First let me apologize for the lack of updates. I was in NYC for the summer and crazy busy so there was no time for comedy.

Anyway here is the story of my first day back at work.

I wake up late and figure who cares I hate my job. I’ll just say I have car trouble and no one will care that I’m late.

Then, I go downstairs to my car. It starts, I try to put it into Drive from Park. The gearshift won’t move. I try to force it – now it’s in between Park and Reverse. I turn off the car. I can’t get my keys out because the gearshift isn’t in park. I leave my car with the keys in. I call for a tow truck and I call work saying that I have car trouble…only now it’s real car trouble not I’m late and use it as an excuse car trouble. The tow truck arrives 1.5 hours later – it can’t make it into the underground parking garage as the clearance is 5’5”, I wait another 1.5 hours for a second tow truck. This one makes it in. The tow truck driver tries to do a few things to release the gear shift so I can drive out of the parking lot. It doesn’t work. $250 later, he tows my car out of the underground parking. It turns out they charge extra for every level the car is underground.

I call work – it’s 12:30 – I’m not going in. Is this a sign that I shouldn’t ever go back?

The garage calls me. The gearshift is frozen, the transmission is dead and the left brake caliper is dragging. $700 later, the car can only be driven in Second. My friends point out it’s just like the Friends theme song “It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear and it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month or even your year” I say fuck friends.

I figure maybe I should go back to work as I now have this new $950 on my visa bill…

The time we had our first meeting

So when I started, In December, B2 kept talking about how we needed to have staff meetings to keep everyone up-to-date. Finally, in February her schedule opened up to allow time for a meeting. As you know, she is extremely busy – sometimes with hearts, sometimes with TV in her office, sometimes sleeping – so it’s hard to fit a meeting into that schedule. She came to me to tell me tomorrow afternoon we were going to have our first staff meeting. I was so excited for the meeting. I prepped agendas as we were going to have 2 meetings – one for each department. I printed, photocopied, correlated all of the paperwork we had to discuss, I was ready. Tomorrow came, the meeting was pushed back, tomorrow came again, the meeting was pushed back, the next week came, the meeting was pushed back again. To sum up, we never had a meeting in February.

We did finally have a staff meeting for the one department…in April. Obviously by then, my previous agenda and paperwork were out of date. She wanted us to come to the meeting with ideas of how to improve things in the office. I had my list…we talked about a few items. B2 decided to wear shorts to the meeting…I was distracted by the train wreck which is the open sores on her legs. They were gross and disgusting and I couldn’t stop staring! B2 often wears skirts or shorts and she’ll wear them to client meetings. I cannot understand why you would show clients the open sores on your legs that you sit and scratch all meeting.

In the end, we decided that there were some new pieces of equipment we’d buy right away….it’s the end of June – we have not bought one of those pieces of equipment yet.

We also have never have that meeting with the other department.

Some advice on telling jokes on the spot

I was told the other day since I have been doing some comedic performances to tell a joke on the spot.

I am not a stand-up comedian so I do not have a whole set of jokes ready at the mark to entertain random folks or acquaintances.

I do now however have the perfect response for this question - that I can up with on the spot when asked to tell a joke...I guess the perfect response is a joke but that is not the point.

Here is my perfect response to if someone asks me for a joke:

Sorry I don't know any jokes. (that's just the opening - not the joke)
I'm just full of wit and hilarity and so my jokes are like lasers, you never know when one is coming (laser sounds).

The key is finishing with laser sounds as everyone loves the sounds of lasers.

Some advice on the difference between tenacious and stalker

It appears that there is a fine line between being tenacious and being a stalker when it comes to meeting people.

The key is charm as stalkers are rarely charming.

Here's the best way to be tenacious:

1. Introduce yourself, perhaps with a witty opening. Maybe give them a card with a link to your blog.

2. Run into the person again the next day - remind them how hilarious your first encounter was and how this second encounter will be just as hilarious.

3. See this person at a party. Decide it is necessary to have another 'random' encounter. Wait until they are alone, then reminder them again how hilarious you are.

4. See this person again at breakfast the day after the party. This time they will remember you are hilarious and might inquire if this hilarity is present even in the morning. Say NO. No one likes people who are hilarious in the morning as hilarity before 10 am can often be seen as being obnoxious. (Just check out morning radio personalities)

5. Have one final random encounter. Cement the hilarity of previous convos with some more jokes as it's now afternoon and you won't be confused for obnoxious. Say bye...at this point another random encounter could border on stalker and you want to be remembered as hilarious and tenacious - not creepy and crazy.

PS. This strategy works best if a) you are not a stalker b) you are charming and c) you are hilarious.

If you are not hilarious, I do not recommend employing these tactics to make yourself a memorable person.

Ratings: TV vs Mayonnaise

If I had to choose a life without mayonnaise or a life without television, I would have to choose the life without mayonnaise.

It probably wouldn't be considered a huge sacrifice as I dislike mayonnaise and I love TV.

The time B2 had a great idea about the website

So we were in one of our rare meeting where we learn about things that are either over due or have to be done with an unrealistic timeline.

Our website became a topic of conversation as it’s currently unmaintained. We had a web design company run diagnostics on it and it’s over 100 pages as every item is a separate page so it’s near impossible to update easily.

B2 mentioned how she’d found a website she loves – a major competitor in the USA – and how she’d like to take the design AND CONTENT and make it our website. She said she’d send me the link so I could start copying and pasting everything. I pointed out that stealing design and content is plagiarism and that I would not do that. I said if she really wanted, I would copy and paste it but that I would not help her make it to our website and after I sent it to her I wanted no part of it. She then got upset because everyone does it – everyone steals everyone else’s websites. I said no they don’t. The hilarious part is that she was so excited that she had come up with such a brilliant idea and layout for our website before I mentioned it would illegal!

Since then, I have been accused of conspiring against her. It turns out that I am also a huge disappointment, untrustworthy and generally a horrible employee.

The time I learned about B2’s feelings on abbrevs

So the other day in a meeting B2 mentioned how she hates that peeps speak in abbrevs now. Obvs it’s cause she can’t understand them. She had in the past mentioned that she finds it tots unapropes when people write an address and write say ave. instead of avenue.

I found out that E asked B2 why she had such feelings about abbrevs.

This was her response:

“Why do I dislike when a woman walks into a room and man doesn’t greet her first? Why do I dislike it when a man wears a hat inside? Why do I dislike when people get introduced without their proper Mr. Mrs or Ms in front of their name?”

FYI this in no way explains why you’d hate abbrevs!

The time we tried for a government contract

So B2 has it in her mind that the best way to save the company is to be awarded government contracts. This is despite the fact that they would only give a small burst of money and doesn’t really lead to other clients. B2 also believes that she is the best person in the company to write these proposals for contracts and refuses to allow anyone to help her. This is because she is so good at writing them – in the last 2 years, she has applied to 8 different government contracts and has got zero of them. She once had someone else write the proposal and was awarded that contract – that is the only contract we’ve ever received.

Since I’ve been working here, we’ve applied to 2 different contracts. The first one was in January. Now, the application had to be in Ottawa by 5 pm on a Thursday. B2 did not start the proposal until the Monday. She told me that she had to pull some “all-nighters” during the week to finish it for Thursday. The government gives you about 4-6 weeks to put together these proposals so you can image it can be difficult to start any earlier than the week of. On the Thursday, she ended up flying up to Ottawa as it was cheaper for her to book a last minute flight and hand deliver it than have a courier take it to the Ottawa on the day of. The money she spent flying up there would be a percentage of the money we’d make if we got it. We didn’t get it and B2 through a fit where she yelled or didn’t speak to nearly everyone in the company.

Our latest foray into winning a government contract led to calling a courier at 11:45 am when it had to be in Niagara Falls by 2 pm. That meant the courier had the exact amount of time it takes to drive with no stops. In the instructions for the proposal, it clearly stated that the proposal had to be less than 10 pages. B2 told me she decided to ignore it as 1. it didn’t really apply to her proposal and 2. she didn’t have to follow that rule cause she was so good at the proposals. Needless to say, we did not get that contract. If it says it has to be less than 10 pages, the government won’t even read it cause you can’t follow instructions! When B2 found it, things went into shit storm territory.

She called B1 and I into her office to tell us that by her doing these proposals she was the only one in the company trying to bring in sales and that everyone might have to take a pay cut next week. She then overheard E and I talking about non work related things. She called E into her office to tell him if he was not talking about work, he was not to talk. She then proceeded to ignore all the other staff for the rest of the day.

In cause you were wondering, why doesn’t she ask for help on these proposals or if she doesn’t want help how can she blame all of the other staff for it failing or if she’s so good at this why does she never win the answer is: it is never her fault that she does not win contracts or that sales have fallen or that her proposals don’t get in more than 10 minutes before the deadline. It is never B2’s fault!

Some advice on getting the nickname garbage hands

1. Use your bare hands to push down garbage in a bin cause the bin is almost overflowing – there is food waste, napkins and other general waste in the bin.

2. Do NOT wash your hands, instead go over to a food table that has been set up for your staff.

3. Begin to touch every piece of food on the table. Take croissants out of the box and rearrange them on a plate.

4. Throw the box out so you have to put your hands in the garbage again.

5. Go back to the food table, move around the fruit on the table, take granola bars out of the box, gab a hand full of chips so you touch lots of the other chips cause all of this work is tiring.

6. Be completely obviously that you have touched almost every piece of food on the table without washing your hands…still do not wash your hands.

FYI – this was something that B2 managed to accomplish one day. After she touched everything, E went in for a croissant. I tried to give him a bug eyed warning as B2 was standing right there but he saw my eyes as a challenge and stuff the whole thing in his mouth in one bite. I later explained that my bug eyes were not a challenge but a warning and that he had eaten garbage hands croissant.

Garbage hands are not a joke and not a nickname I would recommend attempting to obtain…if you’re into friends or hygiene.

The time we evicted a homeless person

So B2 came up to E and I to tell us about how someone left shopping carts behind our other building. She suggested we push them onto the street and then call up the city to tell them they were their problem now. Little did we know that we were being set up to evict a homeless man!

E and I went over to the other building to check out the shopping cart situation. There were 3 carts and it was obvious that someone was living out of them. There was a backpack, blankets and other bits of personal treasure…the kind you’d collect to save in a shopping cart if you were homeless like a bit of a raincoat (not a whole raincoat just a square patch from one) or a yogurt containers or parts of cardboard boxes. As the fear of scabbies entered into us, we began to push the shopping carts over to the nearby supermarket, thinking that would be a better plan than leaving them on the street and then call the city. As we were going there, we past a scrap metal junk yard. E decided that we should stop to try to make some extra cash but it turns out they are not allowed to accept shopping carts.

We moved like super secret spies who get stuck trying to push their cart up the curb and into the parking lot. We super spied around and when no visible customers could see us, we left them in the cart corral. We had to go back to get the third cart to repeat our crime.

When we returned B2 claimed she had no knowledge of someone’s things being the carts – which would be hard to do because if you saw the carts you would notice them full of things like personal possessions!

I could help but feel bad for the homeless guy…imagine you leave your house at 5:30 am and then come home at 11 pm cause that’s when you get home when you are homeless afterall you’ve been out since 5:30 am and then you discover that all of your possession are gone! There were thieves that came into your home by day and took away the Zellers, Walmart and Valumart carts you had carefully collected and filled with the treasures of your life. I can imagine anger! And possibly tears! Homeless guys cry sometimes in the night…

I did warn B1 and B2 that if the windows got smashed, it was probably the homeless guy cause when you got nothing, you have nothing to lose and you’d smash the windows of the people who evicted you and removed all of your world possessions.

**Updates**

**The time I got the creepy guy at work to stop talking to me**

It turns out he is still insisting that grabs and pinches are completely different things which still eludes me since they both involve fingers and my ass…although if you think about it a pinch is a bit worse since pinches generally lead to more pain than a grab.

He also has been saying that I had been going up and giving him hugs, which would totally contradict me telling everyone I thought he was creepy. I suppose part of what he said was true if you count coming up behind me when I’m in my chair and then trying to lean over and give me a hug without me getting up from my chair and leaning over the heater on the floor and then me patting your back as me going over to give hugs – this behaviour is obviously a precursor to love that has its obvious next step in sexual harassment

**Some advice on being sick”

Continue to go around coughing on everything.

Once feeling better and the rest of the office is starting to have sore throats and coughs casually state “it sounds like everyone is going to have a great weekend” This will seem even more passive aggressive and unsorry if the weekend is a long holiday weekend.

Some advice on being sick

So most people stay home when they get sick. If you live at the office; however, then staying home means being at work.

Obviously, when you are sick, you are miserable and everyone knows that misery loves company.

Here is some advice on how to get that company and to make your employees notice your generosity as well as your respect for their health since you're sick at work.

1. Go over to the employees desk.

2. Stand as close as possible

3. Cough - sound like you might 'cough up a lung', maybe gurgle some phlegm in your throat, do NOT cover your mouth during any of this. Aim for the top of their head since you are standing almost directly over them.

4. Apologize for being sick - afterall, it isn't your fault you live at the office and your illness makes you cough so violently that a mere hand could contain the germs so you don't even bother pretending that your hand could contain such powerful germs - and the sleeve sneeze is just another ploy that could not contain your super germs.

4. Repeat a few hours later.

Your employees will thank you, especially if this coincidences with a long weekend so that they can have plenty of time to stay home and rest up when their throats start to get sore and they catch your illness. In someways it is better than an annual bonus.

The time I discovered treasure

So B1 loves looney tunes and every wall has at least one looney tune lithograph on it - because why not - it has nothing to do with our business or anything we have done but when I'm spending my day staring at coyote and the roadrunner, I know that everything is right in the world. PS do NOT suggest that these art treasures be removed or that more business or even age appropriate art be hung up in its place.

But this post is not about a love of looney tune and their adventures.

As I have mentioned, every space that is not a walkway is filled with boxes or shelves or something as empty space is wasted space. The area I work in has multiple cupboards - or IKEA PAX systems aka shelving with doors. So all of these cupboards are full - hence having to keep 'important' documents in boxes under the pool table.

One day I decided to check out what was inside these cupboards, mainly to see if some of the things that were on the floor could make it into a cupboard as I hate clutter in an office space. One of the cupboards is full...like every shelf top to bottom with Disney figurines. These figurines are all still in their original boxes, just to be sure to retain and maximize value.

Upon making this discovery, I wondering what kind of gold mine we were sitting on here so I checked out the ebay to see how much other people were selling these priceless artifacts at. Well, it's a pretty lucrative market those mass produced Disney figurines - some of the small ones are fetching $5 while the larger ones are going for $20 - that is probably at least 25-50% of their original sticker price. I know you're probably wondering why I didn't just load up my car and run away with them...I guess life is just full of mysteries and what ifs.

FYI I have no brought up that perhaps the office is not the most appropriate place to store these treasures, I feel like that's a conversation that could end with people not talking to me cause obviously when you live here, there is no distinguishing between private and public space.

The time the creepy guy at work stopped talking to me

comes by our office often was in. D2 comes by to help us by lending us things to send out to clients. He is generally socially awkward and would sometimes give me these awkward hugs where he would try to hug me while I was still in my chair. I got the sense he had a crush on me and let the awkward hugs slide.

Anyway, enough back story, back to yesterday – I was leaning over talking to D1 and D2 walked past me and grabbed my ass. I was taken aback as one is when someone randomly grabs their ass while they’re at work. I tried to find him to talk to him “Do it again & I’ll punch you in the face” He had left so I had to send an email…probably best to have got it in writing so I made sure I left out the part of threatening him with physical violence (some things are better left in your head)

I sent this email :

D2,

Your behaviour today was completely unacceptable.

I do not know why you thought it was appropriate to grab my ass when I was leaning over talking to Debbie but I can assure you that it was inappropriate.

I am going to make this clear: I do not want any physical contact with you whatsoever at work.

Please do not touch me again.

I believe you owe me an apology.

Me

He responded:

Hi Me,

I didn’t grab your ass. I gave it a tiny pinch since you

were blocking my way. Guys do that shit all the time.

I apologize for offending you.

Please rest assured it will never happen again and I will

never so much as shake your hand or speak to you again in your workplace.

Best wishes,

D2

Let’s break down this response…

I didn’t grab your ass. I gave it a tiny pinch since you were blocking my way. – Obviously it is important to distinguish between a grab and a pinch – they are totally different, both of course being unacceptable to normal people, but it appears in creeper universe the pinch is legit and grabs are wrong! It also appears that he might have gone temporarily mute as most people when someone is in their way say ‘excuse me’. Just imagine you could no longer use words and had to pinch the asses of anyone who was in your way…what a world that would be.

Guys do that shit all the time. – He appears to be a time traveler from 1958 – or has been watching too much Mad Men. This is not something guys who aren’t creepy and don’t want charges pressed against them do all of the time. That was his reason so I guess my temporarily mute theory is out the window.

I apologize for offending you. – Notice how it is not an apology for pinching my asses. This is the type of apology that leaves the blame on me for getting upset at his legit method of making me move as opposed to an actual apology that addresses the fact that ass pinching is wrong.

Please rest assured it will never happen again – Gosh I hope not, creepy!

and I will never so much as shake your hand or speak to you again in your workplace. – So in the end I win. Perhaps it is meant of a type of ‘punishment’ for me – no more handshakes…ahh! How will I sleep at night….no more awkward conversations! My day will be filled with clouds…or sunshine, probably sunshine, yes definitely sunshine – the end of awkward conversations sounds like a prize! I hope he keeps this promise…

Best wishes - cause that's an appropriate way to end, wishing me the best in my life where guys don't pinch asses or where they stop talking to girls when they are told they're behaviour is inappropriate. Those wishes mean the most to me and I will try to soldier on knowing that his best of the best wishes are behind me...probably trying to grab my ass!

So that is how the creepy guy at work stopped talking to me…or at least I hope he has

The time I suggested we need a meeting space

So as part of my job, I am suppose to help organize the office space. In the area that my desk is in, there are 3 other desks along with a large snooker table. It takes up the majority of the room so much so that it cannot be used for play as there is not enough room to use a regular sized cue. Also, under the table is full of boxes and random junk so it's used as a bit of a storage area...afterall, empty space is useless space so fill it up!

I sent an email to B1 and B2 recommending that the table be moved to their warehouse building since it is never used and to buy a meeting table as we don't have any meeting space to have staff or client meetings. Currently, when we have a big meeting we get out the folding plastic 6' table and the folding metal chairs and set them up in a work area.

B1 read the email and came storming over to my desk. How dare I suggest that the pool table needs to be moved! We already have a board room and don't need to create another meeting space!

I asked where this board room was. B1 said it was on the way to his back apartment and that it is where B2 sleeps/lives. YES you have read correctly B1 and B2 both live physically at the office!!! I pointed out that if B2 was living there than it was not available for meetings and it was like he didn't have a boardroom. He argued again - yes he has a boardroom and he does not need to get rid of the pool table! B1 also said that nothing in this office would ever happen without his permission so I should stop my plans of trying to organize things.

ps the pool table and i had a bit of a run in since the path to my desk was very narrow in which the table hip checked me leaving a substantial bruise. B1 and I got into a bit of war pushing the pool table to allow for a reasonably wide path to get to the desk area which I eventually won...ever so often the pool table hip checks me to remind me that it won the war of meeting area vs. too small to play pool but big enough to keep the table area.

Some advice on napping

Next time that you are seen napping or 'resting your eyes' as I like to call it while at work, here are some suggestions to get you out of it:

1. Mention that when people have their eyes closed it is best to not disturb them as they are probably deep in thought...shame works in so many ways!

2. Tell them that you are full of wishes and everyone knows that a wish isn't really a wish if you wish with your eyes open...ahhh wishes!

3. Say you were actually commenting on the boredom associated with work in society in an ironic way...everyone is into irony these days.

The time I did work

So I was given an assignment by B2 which was odd as she doesn't like to delegate or include me in meetings but gets upset when I can't just figure out what needs to be done next. I emailed her a word document at the end of the day with all of my research - this was a Monday.


The next morning she called me into her office. The first problem was that I didn’t hand my timesheet in on Friday, even though she had told me it is due on Mondays. I told her that despite her telling me to do it Mondays, I could easily hand it in on Fridays. She was upset as she didn’t have mine and wanted to start payroll on the weekend and without my sheet she couldn’t do it.


The second problem was that when she gives me work, she expects something from me by the end of the day. Something that shows the work I’ve done and she thinks she budgets my time well and if I don’t send her anything then how is she suppose to know I’ve done anything. After 20 minutes of lecture, I asked if the email attachment I sent before I went home was not what she was looking for. Her response was “what email, I haven’t check since yesterday” B2 then logged into her email to discover my email sent before I left the day before. I then offered to condense the file into point forms as it was a long document and she said okay. She proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the day...obviously.

The time there was tragedy at the office – the day a co-worker died

The office has a fish tank. There are 4 fishes – blue fish, yellow fish, orange fish who we call Aaron Neville and bottom feeder fish. This morning blue fish had got himself wedged in the rock in the tank and died. It was hard to say if it was suicide or if he was chased by yellow or Aaron and got stuck trying to escape. When it happened, B1 went onto the office PA to announce the tragedy “Blue fish has died” After prying him out of the rock, B1 put him in a baggy and placed him in the freezer. A few days later the cleaner came to take the garbage downstairs so I threw blue fish into the garbage. A few days later, B1 asked me where the fish was...I said in the garbage. Boy was I in trouble. B1 pointed out although the garbage was taken from the office area, it was left in the back until garbage day. He was upset as he insisted that blue fish should have been recycled. B2 got upset as she thought blue fish should have been flushed down the toilet…sad news B1 and B2 – fish cannot be recycled…the rules on that have not been changed even though you insist they have. Also the fish should not be flushed! The water system is not the place to dispose of an exotic fish species. B1 did not talk to me for the rest of the day as he was upset about not recycling the fish and about him being thrown out too early.

The time I went to the other building

So B1 owns our office building as well as another building down the street. When I was hired, it was mentioned that part of my job would be to help organize the other building and perhaps convert it to more office space. I was taken over in my second week.

When I got in, I was not prepared for what I saw!...I do not think anything could have prepared me. The heating was not on to save money as the building is on this side of abandoned. The one room had industrial shelving with broken and out dated equipment…shelves and shelves. Some of their friends had put some other things in there – motorcycle, couches. B1 had started to renovate to create a second floor but basically just had a stairway with a doorway to nothing…like the escalator to heaven where people fall off at the end…only this was stairs so you have to work at falling to your death.

I believe that words and words expressed in text form will constantly fail me with this blog which could be it’s undoing but here it goes.

The sight I saw in last room was amazing – not in the WOW way but in the you are stunned way. The room has a 20 ft ceiling. This room was filled to the ceiling with cardboard boxes…EMPTY cardboard boxes; not flattened, full size cardboard boxes.

It seems B1 does not like to get rid of boxes, just in case anything has to be returned one day…some of the boxes were 10 years old…none of those warranties are good anymore but we still have the never broken down box….just in case.

Sadly, none of the treasures in this second building can be thrown out, including those boxes so the part of my job that was to help move some of the business over there has been put on hiatus.

Some advice on dating

So I think sometimes I'll post stuff unrelated to the hilarity of my work place environment.

Here is a bit of dating advice, just in case, you need some:

1. Find the object of your affection

2. Give the object of your affection a hug

3. Bite his/her neck

4. State that vampires are hot right now.

I believe this could lead to making out or perhaps marriage.

It is also rooted in truth and that is where all relationships should begin.

ps if the object of your affection recoils in fear or does not believe that vampires are hot right now, they are not for you...run!

The time we celebrated an office birthday

So I found out after this incident that office birthday celebrations had been canceled the year or so prior so this celebration was an anomaly. After canceling birthdays B2 decided that she could pick and choose whose birthdays would be celebrated by the office.

E’s birthday was right before Christmas and we were getting read to send out gifts and cards to some clients. That day B2 was meant to hand deliver presents and had called in help. D arrived at 10 am to help. B2 wasn’t ‘in’ the office until 11 and then had lots to do before being able to leave. E and I were working on a project that we got a ‘surprise’ last minute deadline on. We didn’t leave for lunch until 2 pm. I told B2 we were off to lunch and she said it was time for cake. I said maybe at 3 pm as E had already left for his lunch. B2 was not impressed but agreed. Just before 3 pm, D who had been waiting since 10 am, went to go and get food as he was starving. E and I returned but it turns out that we were not allowed to do cake without D.

I do not know if I can adequately relay the firestorm of anger that followed in text. B2 then got angry, irrationally angry and told me that if her staff couldn’t take lunch at a reasonable time they shouldn’t even get a lunch, announced that B1 would drive her around, and to do cake without her as she couldn’t plan her whole day around cake. When she returned, she was not speaking to E as he ruined his birthday celebrations by taking his lunch too late, returning when D was gone for lunch, and forced B2 to structure her whole day around his cake. She did not speak to E for the next 2 days! She was also not speaking to D as after waiting 5 hours without a break and without her being able to give a time as to when they would leave, he went to get food.

Best part: E never wanted to celebrate his birthday!

**UPDATE! I just found out that there will be another cake day this week!

The Time when I started combined with the time when I got my contract

I’ve been here for awhile and I feel like I need to start at the beginning. For simplicity stake, I will be referring to my boss and her brother as B1 and B2 – just like the Banana in Pajamas. I can also tell you that this will result in lessons in how to not to do business.

I think we should start with my first day.

I arrive at 10am which I’m pump about as it means I got to sleep in a bit. When I arrive, no one knows that I am starting or what I’ll be doing. My bosses B1 and B2 are not ‘at the office’ yet so no one can help. I start to wish that I brought some reading material as I sit and wait when no one even knows you’re suppose to be working there, they don’t just offer to show you around, afterall you could be a liar. When they finally show up, they don’t have anything for me to do and I can’t log onto a computer. Easiest first day ever! If not the most boring first day ever!

I had yet to sign a contract, although I repeatedly asked for it before I started. We had not officially worked out title or salary so I really wanted to know those things. I brought it up again and was told I’d get one soon. A few days later, B2 presents me with my contract. There were blanks! She gave me a contract full of blanks – salary = blank; title = blank; everywhere that there should be pertinent information = BLANK! It took her days to hand me a contract that didn’t answer any of the questions I had! The next day, I bring in the contract with those blanks highlighted and there was a clause that said I could never work for any business that was in the same industry and I said I wouldn’t sign that part. B2 said that contract would be revised and the blanks filled in by the lawyer…it’s been months now and I still have yet to sign a contract.

I did get to pick my title - ‘assistant general manager’. My new co-workers start to hate me just a little as none of them believe they need to be managed.

All in all, a *wonderful* start.

Ps * denotes sarcasm

The time I started the Secret Project

So this will be my 3rd blog.

All my blogs have centered around an idea or theme. The first one was about wearing temporary tattoos and how wearing temporary tattoos might effect or even affect my life. I had lots of temporary tattoos but no reason to ever wear them. So this blog created a reason. It turns out that they did not really create any changes to my life except for the occasional ‘what’s that on your face, hand, neck…’ Most people assumed it was some sort of dirt or skin condition and upon answering with temporary tattoo the common response was ‘why’. People think you’re crazy when you start wearing temporary tattoos in order to have something to blog about.

The second blog was about Haikus. I’d write about how boring or crappy or combination boring/crappy my day at work was and then write some Haikus about it. Believe it or not, the temporary tattoo blog was more popular than the Haiku blog. I still believe in my poetic abilities as I assume most people didn’t ‘get’ the humor in the Haikus. I have some fragile self-esteem that leads me to believe other just don’t ‘get’ my obviously intelligent and witty humor.

In this blog the theme is that it’s a secret project. I recently started a new job where the stories I have started to tell others actually lead to the following reactions:

‘That’s crazier than ‘the Office’’

‘You can’t make this stuff up’

‘You should write a blog but be careful not to get fired’

‘You should write a 1 woman show about your adventures there’

I have decided to combine these comments into one massive secret project. I’ve started a blog in which I will write about the shenanigans of my office (these will all be unbelievably true) but keep the names and places confidential as to not get fired and then use the writings in my blog to create a 1 woman show….ps I tend to dream big…

So welcome to my latest blog!